Monday, June 2, 2014

in the waiting

16/17/18 weeks!

We’ve been singing this song at church a lot lately and it moves me to tears every time I sing along. My favorite lines:You finish what you begin. You see it through til the end. In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know you are good. All your plans are for Your glory, yes we can know you are good. The Lord our God is ever faithful, never changing through the ages.

Enjoying this waiting has been a challenge. I need that reminder… as much as I don’t want to feel how I feel or think what I think... still I know God is good.

I keep thinking about when I was this far along with John. I’ll be 19 weeks tomorrow, and just like last time I’m anticipating the anatomy ultrasound. Unlike last time, I’m going into this one with a lot of dread mixed in with the joy. I hate it. I hate that for weeks now I have felt like throwing up when I think about that appointment. I hate that I cried until I couldn’t breathe after I finally called and scheduled it. I hate that I keep grasping for peace as if it is out of reach, as if I’m stuck being fearful (when that isn’t the truth).

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

I’ve been resisting writing this post because it’s hard to explain what I’m feeling, and it’s even harder when people respond with platitudes. “It will be okay!” “You’re meant to be a mom!” If I mention an ounce of fear, I’m being negative. If I say, “well, if something does go wrong with the baby…” then I’m being cynical. Here’s the thing: I’m not just thinking about what it was like to be pregnant with John—I’m also thinking about how this time last year I was literally waiting for my baby to die. I don’t LIKE that I’m struggling with fear! I don’t like that it is impossible for me to not imagine a scenario in which this pregnancy doesn’t go as planned. 

It sounds like I’m in the depths of despair, and I’m really not. Promise. I have big cries and little cries and the occasional panic attack, but the majority of each day is spent practicing finding satisfaction in this stage of life God has put me in. Even though my inclination is to want to rush to the finish line, I’m trying to appreciate these months before baby. When I get discouraged, I remind myself that not only am I still grieving John, but I’m pregnant. I’m bound to be emotional and tired at times. 

Let’s move on to the good stuff. Almost 19 weeks! Almost halfway! I can’t believe this is only my second baby post for this pregnancy. I’ve been feeling flutters for a couple of weeks now, and I never get tired of them. My belly, as you can see in the pics, is insane. Andy says, “oh my gosh, your belly!” EVERY day. I actually like that I’m showing a lot. I’m sure that will change in a month or so, but for now it gives me a little comfort. Hopefully my roundness comes from a growing baby and not just from the food I’ve been scarfing down (like the three strawberry sour cream scones I’ve eaten today).

There are two other preggos in my small group (yay!) and we recently went around and heard advice from the other women on things to do/relish before the baby comes. I loved their input (travel! sleep in! eat out!) and would love to hear yours!

A few things momma and baby have been up to lately: 
reuniting with Amy, one of my college roomies
(and buying a few things for your nursery at the Luckett’s Spring market)
snuggling with Autumn while the daddies went golfing
watching daddy and grandpa play golf

1 comment:

  1. "...and forever we will sing, You're the Lord Our God." Thanks for being honest and transparent. We all have fears and hope, great sorrow and amazing joy. When we share them together, we are united as His family. Keep sharing. Together on the great adventure as we journey towards home -- love you - Cindy


thanks for reading!